If I talk to a man about a problem I have, I won’t listen to “what” he is saying until I feel that he has empathised with my problem, that he has “felt my pain”. This is daft, but is the flip side of Boeciana’s famous earnest phone lecture to Aelianus on How To Talk With Distraught Women. I need a lecture on How To Listen To Men When You Are Distraught. Just because A N Bloke hasn’t gone “mmm, yeah, oh that must be hard, I see that you must be very worried” for ten minutes, doesn’t mean he’s not sympathetic or helpful or doesn’t understand.
April 23, 2009
April 23, 2009 at 12:01 pm
I emphasise with your problem.
Mmm, yeah, oh that must be hard, I see that you must be very worried.
April 23, 2009 at 6:39 pm
+JMJ+
I see that you’re taking your threat to be out of here until October very seriously!
April 23, 2009 at 7:53 pm
Do not tell her this! She’ll make it true, then. Hushhhh…
April 24, 2009 at 6:41 pm
B writes, ‘Just because A N Bloke hasn’t gone “mmm, yeah, oh that must be hard, I see that you must be very worried” for ten minutes, doesn’t mean he’s not sympathetic or helpful or doesn’t understand.’
Absolutely true. Personally I tend to get very self-conscious when a distraught woman is talking to me, because I’m afraid I won’t appear sympathetic. Which I suspect makes my conscious attempts to appear sympathetic appear very self-conscious.
All this is very self-centered, I know. Why am I worrying about how I appear when the woman I’m talking with is distraught? But it’s a cycle I have not learned how to break.
I wish I could just gush forth with sincere, spontaneous, emotion-laden sympathy the way my mom or my wife does. But that just doesn’t come naturally to me — because I’m a man? Maybe but I’m not sure.
Nevertheless you’re right, it doesn’t mean I’m not sympathetic or don’t understand. I just can’t manage to stop tripping over my own feet in that kind of a situation.
April 25, 2009 at 1:45 am
By the way if you are distraught over something I am truly sorry.
April 26, 2009 at 1:58 am
Why would you talk to a man in such a situ anyway? Plenty of women around. surely. At least, I hope so!
May 12, 2009 at 1:02 pm
I had a boss who used to tell me all his problems. Being a pion at my job, I was forced to sit there and listen. Well, I had my problems too. And some of my problems were very similar to his. But I never told him mine. I pretty much wished he would shut up and just be my boss. Everybody has their own problems and
sometimes just can’t listen to others. Sounds selfish, I know. But who in their right mind wants to go airing their problems at work? Find
a woman friend you can trust. I never trust a man with much of anything, certainly not to be a guardian of my problems. And you want a man to be empathetic? Unless he’s your man, you don’t need to be telling him personal stuff. Sorry, guys. But you want food and sex from women and that seems to trump everything else.